October post-partum blog posts (3 months old)

October 4, 2017
(3/9/2019 note: Laughing at this one because I complain so much about breastfeeding. I forgot the first three months were not fun).

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. This is a blog post about changes. I'm sitting in my demography seminar unable to concentrate because I'm thinking about all the changes that are happening in my life and I'm berating myself for not foreseeing how difficult it would all be for me. I thought I had planned enough ahead of time to insure myself against my tendency to freak out when things change and especially when they change unexpectedly, but alas I couldn't completely circumvent my worries. So here's a list to calm my buzzing brain.  

1. Recovery is not awesome. At first, it was.  I was amazing everyone, including myself. I felt up for long walks after one week and I stopped bleeding after two. I was shedding weight quickly too. But now a crop of new problems has popped up. Most bothersome is that my joints ache which makes is hard to exercise which means I haven't lost much weight in the last month.  Why this mysterious plague of aching joints? I feel like I'm 80 years old.  
2. Since Charlotte was born 11 weeks ago, we have had someone staying with us in our one bedroom apartment for 8 of those 11 weeks. Many of those weeks it has been my mom, which has been incredibly helpful. But I can't help feeling claustrophobic. My coat closet is invaded by my parents' clothes, my living room is hosting their suitcases, my computer has become my dad's domain littered with his spare change and random receipts. There are always too many shoes at the door and not enough places for everyone to sit. I have to pump in our living room, which doubles as my parents room, so I have very little privacy. When Daniel and I argue it is in violent whispers in our bedroom because we don't want my parents to overhear. I just really want our own space back.  
3. I am a ticking milk bomb. Either I have to have Charlotte with me all the time or I have to be near a pump. I didn't foresee this part of motherhood. I always knew I had to breastfeed, but that means every three hours I have to take 20 minutes to pump milk or feed Charlotte. And I can't skip a feeding or else my breasts feel like they are going to explode. So I just have to do it. And I am constantly calculating in my head how long it will take me to do things and how to fit all the things I want to do around that feeding schedule. 
4. Breastfeeding hurts. I've been really lucky that the actually act of breastfeeding doesn't hurt, but it's really painful when my breasts are too full of milk and sometimes I get the hard lumps that are really tender to touch and hard to massage out. None of this pain is excruciating; it's no more painful than having a skinned knee, but to have it for several days at a time wears me down.  
5. 
   
6. October 25 
   How I'm feeling: Frazzled and hyper active. I'm trying to submit a data proposal by tonight, you have a research proposal due tomorrow. My parents are both out of town so we have been extra busy. I feel resentful towards people who have time to do yoga, get haircuts, watch movies, etc. I question the sanity of anyone who goes down the Pinterest project rabbit hole. When looking for journaling tips I came across crib sheets for every month of their first year, for photo shoots. How does anyone have the energy or money to deal with themed crib sheets? I'm envious and a bit disgusted at the same time. I feel a little grumpy all the time. Today at school I exclaimed that the Wednesday weekly cookies better not be late. Nick commented that he had never heard me so angry. I stopped to think and realized I was angry about the lateness of the cookies. Why? I'm tired. But I never feel resentful towards Charlotte. When I think of Charlotte I just want to form a cocoon around her and keep her there. I feel like I'm falling in love all over again.  
   
   
   How we are doing: I've started a chart of days of the week I haven't gotten angry at you. Sadly, there aren't too many days where I haven't snapped at you. But we both have been blessed with an amazing ability to quickly forgive each other. When we bicker, you keep saying, "We have to stop. We can't survive this way." And you're right. We feel united in our larger cause of raising Charlotte. It's like our former selves keep getting reminded by our current selves what's at stake if we don't keep a good relationship.  
   
   
   How's Charlotte: She is really becoming responsive. She watches me and when I come over to her see smiles so big it breaks my heart. She has started cooing, especially when music is playing. Her favorite song is B-A-B-Y by Carla Thomas. She kicks her legs vigorously. My dad made her a wooden baby gym and she loves laying under it and staring at the wonderful toys we hang from it. She wiggles with delight and slowly wiggles her way in a clockwise direction. She is getting bald spots where her head hits the mattress. Her hair is quite dark. We think her eyes are turning brown. Yesterday we went swimming for the first time. She placidly took it all in and then took a long nap.  
   
   
   Successes:  We turned your homework in in time. No late days necessary!  
   
   
   
   
   October 27, 2017 
   How I'm feeling: I'm giving myself a break. I got feedback for my proposal yesterday and for some reason that crushed me. I felt so overwhelmed writing it, now to go back and fix it seems a daunting task. I feel half asleep all the time, so I don't even know if I can think on that level. Oh well. So today I gave myself a break. I went to park group in the morning. I just got back from Joann's. I'm going to spend the afternoon making our Halloween costumes. Hopefully this break will leave me feeling recharged for the next load of work. It's been a pretty difficult week with my mom gone. I've been putting in work shifts from about 8pm-12am while Charlotte is sleeping. What scares me is probably at one point in my life I will permanently have this much to juggle if I want to keep working. But I just tell myself, one step at a time. Everything is hard the first time around. But park group was really good. I drove with Molly and we talked about the difficulty of having a baby. It's just good to vent a little.  
   
   
   How we are doing: We are doing pretty good. We are both sacrificing for each other and that is really building up trust between us. You took a night off of homework to help me get my proposal done. I was an hour and a half late to book group to help get your proposal done. You woke up at 3 am to burp Charlotte. It's been good.  
   
   
   How Charlotte is doing: Lately Charlotte hasn't been taking long naps. I think it's because she can break out of her swaddle now. I'm worried she is going to start rolling soon, and then we really won't know what to do. She is talking more in the sense that some of her coos are just to amuse herself and some are in response to a "Hello!" Or a "Good morning!" I've been carrying her in the ergo today and she no longer needs the infant insert. She sleeps the best when I'm carrying her in the ergo.  
   
   
   Successes: I socialized and felt a little more in control. I got a 6.99 haircut and spoke Spanish with my stylist. I finally put all the laundry away. We turned in your proposal without using any late days. I didn't get mad at you yesterday. Charlotte slept from 2 to 6 this morning.  
7.