November post partum

(3/9/2019 note: November 25 is a completely happy blog post. I've had a few of those before Nov 25, but they weren't as long)

November 5, 2018 

I go through ups and downs of being a grad school mom and this is a down 

  

Down: feeling like my research is going nowhere and worryingly I don't care too much. 

  

Silver lining: started looking at industry jobs as motivation to get the heck out of here and that's been fun.  

  

Down: unclear how to navigate the rest of grad school.  

  

Feeling exhausted all the time. I don't have a million deadlines, but the looming graduation date, the thought that I'll never finish stresses me out constantly. And working on Daniel's school stuff with him evenings and weekends makes me have very few breaks. 

  

Sometimes I fear I've locked myself in a terrible battle of trying to handle a career and a child. What if I had waited longer? Would this have been easier? Having a child could on the other hand be forcing me to reveal my preferences about career path sooner. I think industry is the right choice for me (although I toss and turn at night about this decision too) and I would have been slower to get there had I not had a child and really thought long and hard about what I want as a career.  

  

Why is this so hard? I can't put my finger on why this is so difficult but the general feeling i get is that I always have white noise going on. Worries about my dissertation. Trying to arrange everything to do with Charlotte. And I'm never by myself doing whatever I want. Except for on the bus and when I work from home alone. But I wouldn't call that free alone time. That is what I miss the most. Being alone and getting lost in something and only thinking about that one thing and not having that thing attached to my future career outcomes.  

  

I feel guilty because Daniel has even less alone time than me and he doesn't seem to care. But we've always been different this way. He never seemed to need alone time. He grew up sharing a room with 2 brothers. Whereas I always had gobs of alone time.  

November 25, 2018

 Having a child is like falling in love over and over again. They change so often and so quickly you are getting to know a whole new person from week to week.  

These past 3 weeks I feel like Charlotte has especially blossomed. She seems to be more communicative, understanding more of what we say to her and expressing herself more to us. One day as I was reading Animal Sounds, her favorite book, she started whispering the animal sounds under her breath. She remembered them! What does the crow say? Caw-caw. What does the sheep say? Baa-baa. What does the turkey say? Gobble gobble gobble. She whispers them and smiles at you like the has just told you a wonderful secret. It's adorable. Also when reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to her she starts saying "Cook, cook" when we get to the hook, nook, cook page. I am crazy in love with Charlotte and I can't get enough of her.  

She also understands discipline more. When she is getting into something she shouldn't, like a drawer, I noticed she reacts a lot better if I don't immediately send a bad message like "Don't do that." Instead if I compliment her on her exploring skills and explain to her that she can look and not touch and direct her to play with something else, she is much happier and more receptive. I learned that from "No Bad Kids." After reading that book I'm learning see the world through her eyes. She isn't trying to get into trouble, she is just exploring. So I need to teach her instead of just telling her no. It's so rewarding to see her respond to my improved parenting skills.  

This Thanksgiving weekend Charlotte met Uva again and Charlotte went bananas for Uva. She screamed with delight when she pet Uva and would toddle after her. It was endless entertainment for Charlotte.  

One of my favorite things to do with Charlotte is tuck her in for the night. Our last official day of breastfeeding was November 16, but I still love to snuggle her at night. Sometimes if Iook her in the eyes while I'm rocking her to sleep she'll start laughing then I'll start laughing and we just keep making each laugh. It's such a wonderful intimate moment between us.