The meaning of life response

First of all, I am so so sorry this took me so long to get back to you. I have been thinking about your post for weeks now, gathering thoughts and musings, but I have just not written them down yet. First the stories.

The Pew

I think this story creates an interesting feeling of discomfort. There are a lot of things in the Church that are divisive, like women and the Priesthood and gay marriage. This story is about a more nuanced tension that makes you feel slightly uncomfortable but you can't really say why. The story is an interesting exploration into the many ways people feel about authority. The typical phrases like, "It's the Lord's work" and the deference of Helen's husband to the stake president's authority ring a bit hollow in this story, as they often do in real life. The destruction of the tabernacle is not a tragedy, disaster, or heresy, but the community certainly does not have their "hearts knit as one" about the whole situation. It's a subtle feeling to pick up on and you captured it well. 

My church building was torn down and we were very sad. I think this story resonates with a lot of people who saw their unique, historic chapels replaced with cookie cutter types. 

Berkeley's church building is in the registry of historic places or something like that. I love that building, but I have mixed feelings about how much other people love it because I think it is symbolic of how the Berkeley ward is DIFFERENT. Like somehow the Gospel is more true, more accepting in Berkeley and we have a special, historic building to show it. It's proof that the Berkeley ward refuses to be homogenized in waves of Church orders from on high. 

I like the character of Inez. It was really powerful to learn Helen is Inez's emergency contact. It's unusually for neighbors to have a bond like that. It adds to the small-town feel of the story. I would have liked to know more about Inez. Why is she alone? What has she done with her life? I was wondering if Inez influenced Helen in more ways than just spurring her to head the "Save the Tabernacle" committee. 

Songs to Sing

When I was reading this my first thought was what a terrible person Clinton was to steal a car with a baby in it. Almost immediately my next thought was what kind of terrible person leaves their baby in the car? And just like Clint, I was passing judgment on the parent and not feeling guilty about Clint stealing the car. And at the end of the story, I'm mad at Clint for driving like a crazy maniac with the baby in the car, but I'm still more mad at the parent who left the baby in the car. 

Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about Clint at the end of this story. If I had just heard the story about someone stealing a car with a baby in it, I would think, "That person should be locked up. They are crazy." But I feel bad for Clint. He's not a bad person or a crazy person, he was driven to a moment of insanity like all of us. He just happened to have a perfect combination of circumstances (needing money, being angry at his father, being driven crazy by this mother, being shown how to steal a car) that culminated in him stealing a car. 

This American Life episode about Chick-fil-a openings. Have you heard it?

Blog post discussion

I'm really glad you wrote about this. I have wanted to bring it up when we Skyped, but as you said, it always feels so awkward. Why?? I don't know, but it is. I think we are better at writing some stuff to each other than talking about it. I guess talking about the Church makes me feel kinda vulnerable and I know I'm not quick on my feet when I talk, so writing gives me more comfort that things are going to come out sounding the way I want them to sound. 

Your sentence "But basically, I've come to a place where I feel like I can't possibly know if it is true. I hope it is, and I want it to be true (most of it)" didn't surprise/jolt me as it would have, say at BYU. For a few years now whenever I hear the phrase "one true Church" or "fulness of the Gospel restored" it grates against me a little bit. This is totally cliche thinking, but I think "What about village tribes in Africa?" (disclaimer, I have a completely stereotypical view of `villages in Africa.' I actually have no idea what they are really like, which kinda proves the next point I'm going to make) How can this possibly be the one true Church for them? This church is completely different then their culture/traditions. Why is this Church more right? It just seems more .... white. Haha, I just came up with that phrase. Not that the Church is completely white, it just rhymed nicely. Anyways, now my mode of thinking is more like the apostle Paul's, Actually, I just tried to find a direct scripture, but I couldn't, so who knows. Maybe I have just constructed my own sense of thinking and given it scripture cred which I cannot currently verify right now. Anyways, my Dad once told me that the apostle Paul taught that we should be flexible in most things, but keep some moorings, which are stated in Phillipians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Not sure where my Dad picked up on the being flexible part. I think it had to do with the fact that Paul was a missionary and preached to lots of different people of many cultures. But I guess this has become my mantra. I believe God exists, I believe the Gospel teaches us principles that make us truly happy. Some other things I'm not so sure about. And those principles I hold fast and true can be universally adopted (I think!). The Church as an institution, not so much. It's a different place than where you are at, but I think we have similar strains of thought. 

On the topic of children. Yes, this is terrifying!!! Daniel and I discuss it all the time. How do you convey nuance without just throwing up your hands in the air and saying "Do whatever you want!" For example, Daniel and I were listening to the radio today on the way to his grandparents house (which in some households is already a no-no on a Sunday). A pop song came on that was basically about sex, like most pop songs these day (ugh. Kids these days, listening to such trash. Hehe, Do I sound like an old person?). Daniel and I were discussing about how we weren't too troubled/offended by the lyrics, but when we thought of our future child listening to this song, we thought, "No, we don't really want our kid to feel ambivalent about this song. We want our kid to NOT want to listen to this song." But we don't want our kid to be a total prude, offended about everything, and afraid of the wicked big world. So how do we balance that line? Daniel and I aren't going to be the type that impose really strict rules, such as only EFY music at home or whatever. But how do you teach your kids to avoid pop music if you don't have ridiculous rules like that? This is the toughest mental exercise I have done in a long while. Also, things like swearing. I don't swear, but it does not phase me at all now (except in song lyrics, which I still find really offensive most of the time because it's usually pretty degrading to women. But not in everyday conversation). I don't want my kids to shun people who swear and immediately think of them as sinners because then they would have no friends if we didn't live in Utah and that is also a kinda rude thing to do. But I don't want my kids to swear. Hmmm... Tricky tricky. 

On the topic of death. I haven't pondered death too deeply. My uncle just died and saying that he is now with his brothers and father in heaven is as natural to me as saying tomorrow is President's Day. Maybe I will be more unsure of the concept of eternal life when I am faced with the end of my life? Not sure. I love hearing your thoughts, I just don't have too much to contribute in this area. 

I like your last idea about the Church not being perfect because it can't be perfect given the setup we have here on this earth. I know you said it doesn't help much, but I think it does. I think it's important to have convictions, which we can develop through religion and worship, but I think it's dangerous to have too many convictions because then we become antagonizing. And I think viewing the Church through the perspective you stated helps us find the balance. And in a way I feel like this idea of striking a balance can be more uniting for a people than absolute agreement about everything. Because that is basically impossible. If as a people we agree that God and Jesus are important and that we should love our neighbors as ourselves and as a people we concede that we are in different places regarding other aspects of the church, then I think we are hearts are more "knit as one" because we are trying to understand each other rather than trying to conform each other. This is all very abstract. The only concrete example akin to this that I have experienced is my friendship with Sarah, which is a kinda dumb example because we are both Mormon so how different can we be? Anyways, continuing with this example. Sarah and I don't think the same things are fun. We don't prioritize the same things, but we understand that we are different and we accept that. And since that is out of the way, we can spend our time actually caring for each other. I know to ask her sisters what to buy her for Christmas because I will always guess wrong. She knows that I really don't like to go shopping with her. 

(Sorry, the next topic was going to be a new blog post, but then I just kept writing, so now it's on the same blog post)

One thing that I think relates to this idea of a good thing turning into a bad thing if you go too overboard is the topic of motherhood. I think about this alot because I'm pregnant, I know a lot of people who are pregnant, and I know people who are struggling to get pregnant. Mostly on my mind is the topic of infertility. I swear that the people who want to be mothers the most struggle the hardest to get pregnant. This could be causal, the longer you try, the more you want it, but the infertile people I know have wanted to be mothers as long as they can remember. I think one thing that can be damaging to Mormon women is how much emphasis the Church puts on being a mother. And when you are infertile, the floor can fall out beneath you because you feel like you've done something wrong which keeps the blessings from you. This view drives me BATTY. Why would you feel GUILTY if you can't get pregnant? Thankfully I have not had to deal with this experience first hand, so everything I say here will be extremely insensitive. And if you deal with infertility down the road know that I will want to hear ALL your feelings because you are my bestie. I think all women who deal with infertility struggle emotionally, but I think the guilt might be more common to Mormon women. Because Mormons are taught that families are blessings from God. And when do we not receive blessings? When we aren't following the commandments. I've never felt this way, I certainly don't think the Church teaches this perspective, but I think the culture leaves women susceptible to this type of guilty feeling. My sister-in-law who is currently undergoing IVF wrote a blog post about being an infertile Mormon women here: https://hopebeyondhope.net/lds-and-infertile-an-introduction/ which is what got me thinking about all of this. 

Sorry this post was so overdue. And it is very long. But I do love writing to you. 

Also, here is a plug for the History Chicks podcast! I just love it so much. It's okay if you don't, but I'm doing my duty as an avid listener by spreading the word. 

the meaning of life???

I realized today I have come to a point in my life where I take all of my notes in the same notebook. Spiritual thoughts, class notes, story ideas, personal musings--they all go in the same notebook, because I see them as being all part of the same thing. I see this as a sign that my life is approaching what I want it to be. I see it as a sign that I am becoming a person of greater integrity, wholeness. But who knows?

A couple of weeks ago I started bringing this notebook to church, which I realize is a popular thing to do but I haven't actually done it much. But in my notebook, unfortunately, I am not waiting to record inspiring quotes I hear at church. My plan was to draw a chart of three columns: in one I listed things I liked, in one I listed things I disliked, and in one I listed things I am just wondering about.

I felt the need to do this because I feel that attending church has become an increasingly stressful experience for me. In order to fully address this, I guess I need to backtrack a little bit. Part of the reason I am writing this post is to update you on the Church problem that I brought up many months ago. It's something I've wanted to bring up with you when we chat, but it's always the most awkward thing to address for some reason, and on top of that my thoughts on the subject are always so jumbled that I feel like I would either talk for five hours about it or I wouldn't be able to come up with anything to say at all. So this post is my attempt to update you on where I'm at, I suppose.

So, since this began with Derek, I'll start with him. He has developed something of an obsession with post-Mormon (that's the best word I can use to categorize all of these) podcasts, blogs, etc. And that used to bother me. But I'm becoming okay with it. (But even that kind of worries me? Ha ha). We still go to church every week, we still say our prayers together every night, nothing really externally has changed at all. I don't think he plans to leave the Church, but who really knows what will happen. I have no intention of leaving the Church either! But basically, I've come to a place where I feel like I can't possibly know if it is true. I hope it is, and I want it to be true (most of it). I honestly feel like I have had spiritual experiences that confirm this stuff to me, but on the other hand I realize that many people in many traditions have had similar confirming experiences and that my upbringing has been such that I'm primed to interpret my feelings as spiritual experiences. Nevertheless, I feel like if God is real, and He is going to talk to me, it's probably going to be through spiritual experiences, so it's not very fair of me to discount the ones I've already had. Basically, I'm okay with the idea that this Church stuff might mostly be made up--that alone would not be reason for me to leave it behind. I feel like it's given me enough good in my life that it definitely isn't worth it to leave it behind. Also, I figure that even if all religions are equally true/false, this is the one that's "mine" and it would be good for me to "bloom where I am planted" and try to give to/get from this tradition as much good as I can, and I can feel fine with that.

But there are scary things that come with this. Mainly, children. I would be okay with raising my children in exactly the way that I was raised and then letting them come to the point in their adulthood that I have come to now. What I am afraid of doing is raising them in this relativistic wishy-washy way that teaches them it doesn't really matter whether you believe in God and what you choose because it's allllll good. Because more than anything, I just want them to know that it does MATTER a LOT. And they can choose their own path or whatever as long as they've put a ton of thought and effort into it. But how are you supposed to do that??

Also, death. In the past, I have pondered for a brief instant the concept of eternity and then backed off, as if I were coming around the edge of a doorway and, seeing that that doorway leads to another doorway which leads to another and another and an infinite sequence of doorways, get frightened and recede back past the edge of the first doorway (does that make sense?), because it's frightening. Because to think about a life without an ending is mind-boggling. Now, the opposite is a very real possibility for me: what if this really is ALL there is? What if when I die I really just don't exist anymore? And I'll never see anyone I knew ever again and I'll never even think about them because I just won't BE? This is, like, the most cliche existential worry. And yet I have honestly never considered it until now. Also, it is crazy to think that so many people just expect this. Why do they even attempt anything in their lives? What is the point? (How can I express this without cliches???)


Anyway... back to the notebook. My very first Sunday with the notebook, I came to a conclusion of sorts that isn't actually helpful at all. But it makes these two things fit together for me: 1) God is real and wants us to learn from our life experiences, and 2) the Church is wrong in many regards, or at least unhelpful, and other churches could be just as true. I mentioned earlier that church has become a stressful experience for me recently; I expected therefore that my "dislike" column would get fuller than my "like" column. Nevertheless, I found myself putting things in my "like" column that I wouldn't have expected--things besides the obvious "service" or something. I wrote down things like "repentance/continual improvement" and "the idea of trusting in something (God) outside of yourself." And yet at the same time I realized that these very things could be negatives--for example, a focus on repentance could quickly lead to overwhelming guilt or feelings of inadequacy. And it connected with an epiphany of sorts I'd had months ago, the last time I went to the temple. Okay, first, who knows if Adam and Eve were real. Who cares. It's a great story. And if it's real and/or the story was inspired by God, how interesting that the lesson of the very first story in Judeo-Christian scripture is "Sometimes you have to break a commandment." So here's what I was thinking. If the purpose of life was to learn to do what's right and not to do what's wrong, God could have presented us all with a two-column chart, with one column labeled "Right" and one column labeled "Wrong," and all the actions would be in one of the columns, and then we would know. But instead, we have to live life, right? And in the process, we learn that things that are sometimes right are at other times wrong, and things that are sometimes right are at other times wrong, and the only way to learn this is by experience, and maybe actually you'll never learn which is which but at least you'll learn that it's hard to tell which is which. And therefore, maybe the Church not only isn't perfect but it CAN'T be perfect and never will be, and sometimes it's not even good, because its purpose is just to provide us with a lot of dilemmas where we have to choose between "principles" and people and how to strike a balance between everything, and that's also the purpose of every church and every other organization and every thing in the world.

Anyway, I like this idea, even though, like I said, it really doesn't help anything.

Thanks for reading; you're the best.