Observations on Charlotte. Charlotte keeps taking steps into fully forming as an adult. Or rather, she is more fully formed than we think and she opens more windows for us to see that as the days go on. For example, now she expresses happiness in more ways than one. Before she used to just smile, then she added screaming to convey extreme joy. Now she can express happiness in a middle stage, laughing. She laughs when my mom arrives in the morning. She laughs when I pull out the milk carton to get her a bottle.
She also is wanting to do more things like us. She wants to open the fridge and hands things to us in an attempt to be useful. She is more amenable to cleaning up when we start cleaning up, but after she puts all her crayons back in their box she will dump them out again. So she still doesn't know that cleaning up means you are done playing. The other day I was laying on the couch home sick and she toddled over to me and did the all done sign with her hands and pulled on my finger as if to say "You are all done laying on the couch mom. Time to play."
The other day when I was folding the laundry she handed me piece of clothing to fold.
She is understanding more the social mores around visiting. When people come over she will be very shy, but by the time they are getting ready to leave she is waving bye and saying "Baaa."
She LOVES her crayons and coloring board. She has found all sorts of things to do with her crayons; toss them in the air, roll them under the couch, hide them within the flaps of her coloring board, put them in their box and take them out again, color.
Happenings in our life. We took a trip to Utah last week to see Daniel's grandparents and also to attend Ali's baby shower. It was so good to hang out with Ali. It really filled my soul to spend time with my best friend. Lately I have been undergoing a feelings renaissance. I am connecting more with my emotional side and trying to feed it what it needs. This came after intense dissatisfaction with the way life was. I have gone to a therapist twice now and I have learned to give myself permission to need these emotional things; like being there for your best friend's baby shower. It also has helped me feel a lot more positive about school because I'm more forgiving towards myself for not progressing like I want to. I'm learning to accept more help and to accept the fact that it's okay that I can't do everything. We are starting to work on our relationship more too. I realize that is hugely important and something we have been ignoring.
Today I had a nice long talk with Susan about all of this. Something else I'm learning is that talking about problems makes a world of difference. I don't have to solve the problem, but just talking makes me feel so much better. Mostly it validates that I'm not crazy. It was comical and frightening to hear the similarities between Susan and Dula's relationship and our relationship. Comical because I think our problems are unique to us but clearly they aren't, scary because even they don't have everything figured out.
I want to start writing more about motherhood. I would like to compose a series of vignettes about scenes from motherhood. My motherhood, but also my friends' motherhood which is different than mine. Things that are joyful and things that are subtly unfair.
- All the observations on Charlotte that I just mentioned.
- Feeling like you are becoming friends with your little person. First understanding more their likes and dislikes, but also being amazed and them intuiting your feelings, or your next actions. Receiving from your little person in ways you weren't expecting, whether that be a head nuzzle or a pat on the knee, or them pulling you to a Christmas tree and saying "Wow."
- Expressing your worry to your econ male classmates that your child is looking at screens too much. Then having them lecture you on the best ways to raise kids (none of them have kids, hmph).
- Putting your husband in charge of getting Charlotte ready for the day and having your mother tuttuing tutting you because Charlotte is not wearing a headband, as if it's your fault your husband doesn’t think/care to put one on. In general all the criticisms about Charlotte (no shoes on, no sweater, she hit her head) and all the worries (her cough sounds worse, should we call the doctor) from my mother and mother-in-law are directed at me while Daniel is laying on the couch looking as his phone. Why is it that everyone acts as if I'm they only one they can tell do things? Like I am the only gatekeeper to Charlotte's well-being? It's so much strain. I feel like I can't get a moment of peace when I'm with them.
- Letting go of not giving your daughter the childhood you had and hoping that you are making it up to her in other ways. For example, I will never be a masterful cook like my mom. But maybe more organized?
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