November 1
From my email to Ali: So many thoughts and I'm not sure how to order them. So let's just tackle them one at a time. As usual, I revert to lists because I am the epitome of linear thinking.
1. Haziness. I feel like I am in a constant fog. But that is not really the correct way to describe it. I feel like I'm fully functioning, but everyone else is a superhuman and can function at a higher, faster level. Like everyone else can understand sped up YouTube videos and I have to listen a .75 speed. My to do lists have started to include minutia such as unsharing a colleagues dropbox folder that I no longer need. Last week I got on the bus to go to school. I got of two stops too early and then walked for ten minutes in the complete opposite direction of school before I realized what I was doing. While walking back towards school, I was stopped by someone asking me if I wanted to do something about racism. I said yes and ended up donating 5 dollars to this hip hop youth group in Berkeley. I felt so unmoored (not a word, but maybe you get what I mean?) and zoned out that I probably would have done anything she had asked me to do. Then I continued my walk to school and tripped on some stairs. At this point I was in tears, almost panic, like I can't take care of myself, will I ever make it to school unharmed? I made it. But I was a bit bruised physically and mentally.
2. I'm doing okay? Three months out and I want to say I'm doing okay. But I am getting a bit depressed about things. Firstly is the lack of exercise. I really thought I would just jump on the old running horse again. But alas, no. My joints have been struck by the malady of still being extremely "relaxed" after pregnancy so every pound on the pavement hurts. But forget about joint pain, the above-mentioned haziness usually gets to me before the joint pain can. I just feel like I'm full of lead and putting on tennis shoes and running seems nigh impossible at this point. I'm so tired. I just want to sit down. Also, I still have a belly. I'm six pounds away from pre-pregnancy weight, but I feel like my belly is more than six pounds worth? So even if I lost the six pounds it would still be there because it got so stretched out. What makes me feel stupidly worse about all this is that my mom is here to help me, so I really am doing much better than the average new mom. So why do I feel like I'm not doing okay? So tired and frazzled? How the heck does anyone else do this without their mom?
3. Who am I? In the past year I feel like my identity has switched out a few times. First I was young, married, grad student Carla. Then I was young, married, grad student, pregnant Carla. Now I'm mom Carla. It's a dizzying turn of events. Totally predictable, but still dizzying.
4. School feels a bit impossible. I had to write a data proposal and I passed it around to my adviser and a few other people for feedback and it was crushing. The feedback wasn't even that bad, just what I would usually expect. But the task of editing and reworking something in my current state of mind seems just as hard as writing the dang proposal in the first place. Ohhhh man. And I just feel dumb and self-conscious. What if I'm so tired that all my ideas are trivial and all my questions painfully obvious?
I do have to note that my mom was out of town for 9 days, during which Daniel and I had three deadlines to meet, so I should cut myself some slack. I've come up with an analogy about motherhood. Being a new mom is like jumping into a cold pool a thousand times. Every little new thing is a jump in the cold pool. And most of the time it's better just to jump in than slowly creep in, timidly setting your toes forward inch by inch. For the first while every little thing is new and slightly shocking. Every time you breastfeed is a new experience. Then breastfeeding in public the first time. Packing the stroller into the car for the first time. Using the baby carrier for the first time. Changing a diaper in a public restroom. Driving in the car for more than half an hour. Traveling by plane. Parking in such a way so you can easily get the baby out of the car. Eventually you become adept at all these things and you feel like you are finally doggy paddling around in the pool. You are really holding your own! So then you add more complex strokes, breast stroke, freestyle, back stroke. And each stroke is another challenge. Going back to school. Putting together the Primary Program. And sometimes you feel like you entered a swimming competition that is much too advanced for you, but you just have to use your rudimentary swimming skills and swim your little tail off the best you can until you acclimate. Anyways, sometimes I am the content back stroker on a relaxing sunny afternoon, and other times I am the spent, last place, competitor who got in way over their head.
Okay, sorry. This was all about me, me, me. Next time I will have some more extroverted things to say.
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