(3/9/2019 note: We cried it out with Charlotte at the end of March. Can you tell the difference of what a full night of sleep gives you?? Things started looking more up in April :) )
Today was so great. Research Wednesday, a day unfettered by teaching responsibilities. I worked on nonprofit stuff, called professor McDonald about our paper, had lunch with Francis and Ingrid, and started thinking about done new research ideas.
Yesterday Charlotte got her legs stuck in the bars or her crib. Chubby girl.
We cuddled like we were dating, just laughing and talking. We watched the first episode of the good place. It felt so freeing not to feel bone-tired by 6 pm, not to have immediate almost impossible deadlines, not to be bickering because we have too much to do and no one to blame so we turn against each other. I went running today. I did the dishes. I worked 7 hours. I spent time with you. What a great day.
Reflecting back on this semester it feels like a complete wash. This week was really difficult because I made that realization. I felt like the anxiety of completing the program and getting good advice come to a head with visit day. All the prospective students wanted to know about advisor-advisee relationships and everyone in my office is gushing about how they basically talk to advisors whenever they want and they never have to teach because they get grants. And I feel smaller and smaller every second. I have met with no professors this semester. That is pretty bad. To be fair, until about a month ago we were just drowning in your class and I was a complete zombie with sleep deprivation so I didn't really have the ability to critically think. Teaching this semester has also been difficult. Because I haven't taken demography before, I need to keep up with the material. And walking across campus for a class and sections is no small feat when I have to pump every 4 hours. I'm either dashing to class or from class to get my pumping in.
Motherhood has been harder than I anticipated. This month marks one year since I stopped running.
Things really have gotten so much better this month though, despite still being hard.
April 18. 2018
I went on a very short run this morning with my cherubic running buddy and I feel so INVIGORATED. I love running so much. I really need to make it more of a priority.
I'm feeling better about my academic situación. I still feel quite behind, but I'm slowly transitioning to the idea of working in private industry and allowing myself to seriously consider that rather than brush it off as a sell out option brings relief. Now I just need a dissertation. I'm talking to Jeff Sorensen today about his job at Amazon to learn more about it.
I'm thinking about starting a blog. I need practice writing about research, so that's a good way to get my feet wet.
I presented Andrew and mine's nonprofit project at UC Merced on Monday. That also got me thinking about an industry position. Because although being a profesor seems like a cushy job after tenure, it also seems a little isolated and to open ended for my liking. I think to have a large group of colleagues in your field of research you need to work at a place like Berkeley. But berkeley is a high stress job. So it doesn't seem like there's a good in between.
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